Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Secret Aspiration and Not-So-Secret Ambition

I didn't get up until after 3pm today. Why? I went to bed at 11pm last night so I definitely got enough sleep, it would seem. Except I didn't actually fall into real sleep until after 4am, woke up at 8am, again at 9am, and so on until I finally forced myself to get up at 3 when thunder started shaking my windows. I've been abnormally stressed the last few days and I feel that old familiar feeling of depression sneaking up on me. I've lived with that for most of my life, so it is quite familiar unfortunately. I've done really well combating it all these years, but sometimes it just grabs me up and shakes the shit out of me. When I finally see what's happening and find some way to get out of that grip, it leaves me exhausted, moody, and emotional. A little while ago, I was sitting in the house and Sabriel nuzzled my elbow from the floor. I burst into tears. That was when it hit me that I was having one of those days and I needed to snap out of it.

I made myself stop crying and get up. I cleaned the house. I played a few games of Hearts on the computer. I read some blogs. And suddenly, I found an article that really inspired me. It pretty much got at the heart of my issue, and I highly doubt that the writer was intentionally writing to inspire people. It was an informative article about an aspiring screenwriter that recently made the move from Georgia to LA. I found myself reading the article and nodding, as if that guy and I were having a conversation about where I am in my life.
I've been writing since I was a little girl. It was never really my active dream to be a writer though. As a little girl, I just wanted to be an adult. As an adolescent, I wanted to be an actress. I was in drama club in junior high and that was it. Then in high school, I wanted to be a veterinarian. In college, I wanted to work with reptiles and then changed my mind again. It wasn't until after graduation did I start feeling a seed of doubt growing about my career. I had to ask myself "Am I good at my job?" Yes. "Could I make an impact here?" Yes. "Do I enjoy it?" Yes. And no. I lost my job in 2009 and to everyone's surprise but mine, I was okay with that. I began focusing on writing, and after a few (okay many) months of procrastination, I actually started working like a real writer. I finally realized that what I really wanted to be was a writer, and I have spent years doing that even if I didn't see it.
So what does an article about a guy moving from Georgia to LA have to do with anything? Well, that is quite possibly the source of my current bout of depression. Growing up, I moved around a lot. I'd wager I moved around more than a military brat could claim. I lived in 8 different places before high school. After high school, I moved away to college. During college, I moved 4 times. I have lived in the current house off and on since I was 19. The way I grew up made me very open to change; better yet, it made me crave change. A new experience makes everything fresh. I am craving a new experience. A few months back, I had the chance to move to a new-ish place but it fell through, and I was okay with that. Because it was new-ish, but not new. I keep thinking about how I need be somewhere with high energy, a creative epicenter, and place for movers and shakers. Like LA, or New York, or... somewhere that isn't here right now.
So here I am, wondering how to fix this brewing issue. In this age of high unemployment, making a move from a familiar environment where I can (somewhat) make the bills and know I have a roof over my head... it is a pretty foolhardy idea. And to be honest, where in the hell would I go? It is rough for people everywhere. Besides, I already tried that a few months ago and that adventure failed fairly miserably. I have the whole internet before me to try and solve this dilemma.
Meanwhile, I wonder what other people do when faced with these kinds of issues. Am I the only person that feels like I need to be a damn nomad? I wonder what all these other people that have picked up and left for a grand adventure went through in the months leading up to it. Do you ever have times like this? And for the curious, here's the article: http://johnaugust.com/2011/newly-arrived-in-los-angeles


Booksteve said...

I feel for you. I have long been convinced of the truth in the expression that one can't be a King in one's own country. And yet the security--no matter how tenuous--is too tough to give up for most people.

I can't bring myself to do it. I have few ties left to this area but it's familiar. I can handle it here.


YOU, I have total faith in and I know you can accomplish any goal you ever set for yourself. It's that stepping off the diving board not knowing if there's water in the pool. That's what gets ya.

Dee said...

I'm not so much afraid of taking that step though. It may be that taking that step is what I'm missing, because I am used to doing it after so many times. But I'm also older now, with more responsibilities... such a step would take more planning and resources that just aren't available right now. Maybe in a year or so. We'll see. :)